What is real?

You know I came from a life that I would have considered pretty real. I was surrounded by people who love me, supported me and would have died for me. I felt it, I knew it. But was it real? I am by no means trying to give any kind of guilt out to those of you who are my friends out there. Please hear that! I am NOT trying to make anyone feel bad. I am just wondering what my life was and am being a little bit open about my awareness. You know I had a friend who moved about 3 years ago and she would always tell me "Heather, you are the only one who calls me"  and now I sit in her shoes. (except I don't call myself ). I have lived here for 10 weeks. I have talked to many people but mostly because I call them first. I have one friend who calls multiple times a week. Another that calls at least once. And thats it. I have had 3 other friends call on their own but besides that no one. Out of 100's of people that I would have called my friends. I just wonder what were they? Are relationships based on physical interaction? Think about those you would consider part of your GROUP. Have you reached out and told them how much you love them? I know this is a little more personal than other blogs. My fear of posting more of my inter battles are because I HATE to be fussed over so please no calls. I just wanted to set the question out there. Are your relationships really real? Or are they based on some kind of situation. Work, church, location? Or are they true thru and thru? H

Comments

[Tigernurse]

I do miss you and am so very happy to have you closer. I suck at returning and making phone calls...not great when it comes to making friends feel loved and welcomed:) Clearly I can do better. Glad to hear y'all had a fun Thanksgiving. Hope Sohaila is feeling better. The mashed potato pics had me laughing. Glad to see beauty school worked out for the best! I am so bummed we missed Carlos leading worship today. I didn't check blogs while we were in SC and now I am kicking myself. Clearly we would have come back early if only I had read! I am sure you both enjoyed today. love m

[Joanna Kurtz]

I found myself reading your blog pretty often and I was starting to feel a little like a stalker so I decided to de-stalkerize myself and make my presence known. :) I'm glad I did - you are right how weird it is that our lives are parallel right now, and I totally feel you about realizing which friendships are real. Since being in Co I have talked more with my Fresno friends than anyone else, including most of the people we've spent the last 5 years living life with in Texas. It makes me sad but either way, it helps to know who you can call a true friend. Hope you guys had an awesome thanksgiving. The pics are great!

[shan]

what's your phone #? :) (seriously), i know you said "no phone calls" but, i too, have been in your situation (kinda, when i moved to california 7 years ago and didn't know even 1 person...you really appreciate phone calls from friends back home) and i think it really does show you who your true friends are when you are far away from them and you still do make time to call eachother often. i do think about you guys a lot.

[Natalie @ Mom in Action]

I've been a longtime lurker, but feel like you're a personal friend from reading your and Carlos' blogs. The bloggy world is so weird that way.

My family recently changed churches (it was a very amicable departure). We had been there for 15 years and knew just about everyone. We still live in the same town and house...we just worship at a different church on Sundays. Yet in the six months we've been gone, I've only had calls from 2 friends.

I wish I knew why it is so easy for people to let go of friendships. I know it is a two-way street, but I'm tired of always being the one to make the move. No answers for you, but I feel your pain and will be praying for you.

[jaydee]

I agree with you 100%. I just changed jobs and lots of people were crying telling me good bye and promising to keep in touch and now... where are they? I understand wat you mean about being the first one who calls, it gets old and I heard it said by one of my pastors that the excuse of being "too busy" is almost sacrilegious because God created time, we just dont know how to manage it well enough to pick up the phone and tell someone we love them or just to ask how theire week is going. Thanks for your vulnerability...

[Debbie Arnn]

i have thought the same thing since leaving tx in march. it's not too many people who actually call to check on us. we end up doing most of the checking on others...
i guess we're just not in their faces anymore so they forget the interaction? i dunno.
i've only held on to just a few friendships since our move.

but i've also found that people read my blog more now that i'm gone. they lurk...but at least they know what's going on with our family...and somehow, that makes me feel a BIT better...but not really when i miss the interation so much...

[Anna]

It's hard. Sometimes friendships just fade naturally with moves... I've experienced that myself. It's not because they were any less real at the time, but because that time of life is over, and so is that friendship. It's very hard to accept.

[janie]

Heather...you ask a great question. I feel like only time will tell...

One question...does email count? :)

[alicia]

When I went through a rough patch in my life a while back I really got to see who my true friends were - there were 2. It was a little sad but I knew that I only need those 2 and I don't have to worry if they are real or not - because it's been proven. It's kinda sad but I've become one of those negative people that really don't ever believe people are going to follow through on what they say. I know who I can rely on and that's what gets me through. :)

[cyndi-hake-castro]

Oh...now you made me cry...I feel like some of the other posts...a stalker....but I have enjoyed getting to know you....through this crazy blog world....and daley....you are such a beautiful person....obviously inside and out....praying for your transition....I've been there...through moves and divorce....I found out who really loved me....and sadly....who didn't....but mostly that God met me in the empty & lonely places and I have come to know Him in ways I would have never been able to....had I not had to kinda walk alone for a season....thanks for your transparency...praying for ya!

[Sue]

Heather...girl you sure opened a wound for me...and not between you and me, ...see my blog, I was way too long...

[RickyG]

LOL Total girl moment!
I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at how different us guys are. We would say things like. "Dude, what ever. Talk to you in 6 months. Word"
You know we miss you. I think blogs kinda makes us forget how much better actual contact with someone is.
On another note. We redid our closet. You would be so proud of us. Much more organized. Pics coming soon.

[Molly Moore]

Heather, don't know if you know who I am or not. I know Carlos from back in our youth group days. I've talked to him a few times about trying to get you guys out here for a meal, but our schedules don't seem to jive. That invitation is still open... we just have to find a time.

Regarding friends and calling/keeping in touch....
I've had the same thing happen to me a few times, and I wondered the same thing.

My thoughts: I've heard it said before, and I really think it's true.
In your lifetime you will probably be able to count your true friends on one hand. As sad as that makes me... I think it's true. I have lots of folks I consider friends, but we hardly ever talk, and if I moved away... not sure they'd call much, if ever.

This probably doesn't help, but I just wanted to share my thoughts. Perhaps if I start communicating with you about getting together, we'll get it done quicker. My schedule is crazy, but getting in touch with Carlos is not an easy thing to do.

E-mail me... I would love to have you out to visit.
moooremolly@mac.com

[Lisa]

Heather -
I am yet another person who reads your blog daily, but has never commented until now. I sent an email to your husband Saturday and asked him to forward it to you because I didn't see a link to email you. I wanted to let both of you know how much I appreciate what you write in your blogs. You are both so real. It is refreshing. And just when I thought you couldn't hit another one of my hot buttons, you did it again with this post. If you didn't get my email, let me know and I will send it to you. I too moved several times, and the same thing happens every time. You find out who your true friends are. We moved from Florida to North Carolina for a year and then back to Florida. And so you would think that after only a year friendships would just pick up where they left off. It didn't work that way. People had gotten on with their lives. It was hard moving away and having friendships just disappear. It was even a harder moving back and realizing that these friendships were not going to reappear. That was 6 years ago, and I would like to think that I have a group of real friends, but what if I moved? What if I moved to a different community just 30 minute away? Would these friendships exist? Down here 30 minutes is far away. Everything is little communities, and I have to wonder if that is why my friendships exist. Is it because they live 5 minutes away? I have thought a lot about friendships over the last couple of years especially since becoming a mom. I have seen "real" friendships disappear in those 3 years, but I've gained about twice as many. And honestly, I try very hard to maintain contact with my friends that don't have kids and not do all "mom-talk" when I talk with them. But the reality is, when I want to know what to do when we all get the rotavirus at the same time, or what to do when my daughter has colored her fingernails for the 10th time with a black marker, they can't help me. So I am trying to accept that we all have season in our lives, and some friendships may fade away, and some may appear out of blue. But it still burns a little every time.

But thank you once again for bringing up an issue that is SO important. Make your relationships real, and let people know how they impact your life. I have not been much of a blog person, but I can't help but read yours and Carlos, blogs every day. You guys are just so real and you make me think and laugh every day. OK, that and my iphone just makes it too easy, but anyway Thank you again for saying what so many others would never say.

Lisa

[deeapulitan]

When I first heard about you moving and I left a message here, this is what I was talking about. We were so tight with our pastors back in WA. I thought they would be the ones to call us, come to see us... at least them, but I was wrong. The only ones who do call reg. and have come to see us are my mom, and a girl we practically raised. It is a hard pill to swallow. I've come to realize something through our move. When people have established relationships around them, they don't need to establish more. We miss our relationships because we have none as deep or as enduring as the ones we had in WA., but the WA people still have relationships around them that they have had for years. We are loved, but are not of such needed importance as they are to us. This has brought me to a place where I have reached out more, knowing the lonliness and insecurity that comes with being "the newbie".
Still, it doesn't hurt less or make you wonder less at your place in someone's heart & life when you are literally "out of sight- out of mind."

[Jean]

I'm the person who has been "left behind" as others have come and gone, both at my job and our church. Coming from my perspective, I have had deep friendships with many, many people over the years. They were real friendships. But I have no idea how to maintain friendships with all those dear friends who have moved on. It's impossible. I would have to be on the phone all the time. However, because the friendships were real, whenever I do have the occasion to reconnect, it's as though we never were apart.

I think your friendships in CA were real. But realistically most of them will not be maintained. Other real friendships will develop and fill the void.

I also have been enjoying your blog for many months. I love your heart. And by the way, I'm the mother of Lisa (whose comment appeared above) and a good friend of Beachkat's.

[Jen]

Thanks for your honesty. I have been exactly where you are, and while trying to spur my friends on to growth in the area of communicating, I have also had to realize that my friends aren't like me and that I have to give a little grace in this. Doesn't make it easy just better.

[anne jackson]

having moved (almost 31) times in my (almost 28) years i know what you are feeling exactly! it is so unbelieveably difficult. you begin to question so many things. maybe since i have done it so much...i would be immune to it?...i wish.

29 groups of friends later, it still hurts. i wonder what it is too...

[Tim]

I can relate totally. I can remember a few years back thinking that I had tons of friends, and my therapist told me that most people are lucky to have 3-5 friends in a lifetime. I didn't know or understand what he meant until I removed myself from seeing everyone on a regular basis and felt the result of not having "friends" around me. Sometimes seeing people at church, or different events, or even going out with them every-now and then, makes one believe that you have a friend. A friend comes from a much deeper place in oneself and not from familiarity. I honestly believe we use the word friend way to flippantly. It sounds rude to call someone an aquaintenance, but I don't believe the English language has anything between aquaintenance and friend.
Thanks for your honesty

[Ruthie O.]

I just started reading the blogs written by you and your husband and I think that they are awesome. As for this specific entry, I completely understand what you mean. I am currently attending school in the US, which is not my country. I am Canadian. Also, I worked on cruise ships for a while and made many friends. Well, I consider them friends, but sometimes I wonder. Now, I know that people are busy and I take that into consideration. However, I feel like I am the one who always initiates contact with them. If I didn't call or email or text, we basically wouldn't talk. And then sometimes I feel like they feel as though I am bothering them or whatever. I do not think that some type of contact a few types of month would. Just to say “hello friend.” I have decided, though, that I will only try a couple of times. If nothing is initiated on their end, I just take it in stride. I'm not going beg anyone to be my friend.

[Samantha]

Heather, I am not sure if you remember me or not, but I taught at Sohaila and Seanna's preschool in Riverside, and I also attended Sandals. I just wanted to let you know that we miss the girls very much.

I know it must be so hard, and I have been through the same thing. It hurts when you think you had so many friends, and none of them come through.

There have been many times that I have told myself that I was not going to put myself "out there" and make friends anymore, because I always end up hurt. I try to convince myself that I need more than a few good friends, but it is simply not true. I have a few really close friends, more like family, and then I have a number of aquaintances.

I know who I can count on no matter what...

I know that my aquaintances could really give or take me no problem. I know if I was not around, they would probably not even notice.

That is the way it is with a lot of people, out of sight, out of mind. It is a sad fact.

Big hugs from Riverside.

[lynse leanne]

i have been thinking about that so frequently. i dont even know you, but what you are saying is so true.

i have moved 3 times and you do good at "keeping up"for about a month. and then, just like you said a lot of friendships are based on social interaction. it is about how often you see each other.

i have a friend here in town that i see probably once a week. do i call her to hang out....NO, does she call me to hang out? no....but each time we see each other it is all about how much we miss each other and have good intentions on hanging out.

if you are not seeing someone every day i think they can slip your radar. i have been convicted lately about being intentional about my relationships. i have not spoken to my brother since i moved out 3 years ago. when i am in town we talk, but i have never made the effort to call and check up.

but out of sight, out of mind is true....sad, but true.

thanks for being honest, i am picking up the phone and calling some old friends.

[Rhi]

hey girlie,
i know we've "chatted" more recently than over the 9 years i've known you... but i am surely in the same place you are. i also have wondered since i've moved away...were some of my "friendships" only real because i kept them going? i'm always the one to keep the communication lines open. now that i'm gone, i've gotten un-prompted calls from one friend. one. one! all others have been returning my call, if i get that. i hurts my feelings. it makes me feel crappy. all that.

then i try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that they were there for me when i was back home and they love my son, so they must love me even if they don't call to check on us. i think also folks get so caught up in their own lives that they forget about the folks who are not a physical reminder (like church weekly or small groups) so it's like "outta sight outta mind or something. thanks for keeping it real i could cut and paste your post to me blog and it'd fit perfectly...i know as long as you keep doin' you, you'll be happy and i know you will!) hehe

i think the most annoying excuse is "i suck with the phone, or i'm not a phone person" because when i was in cali it wasn't a problem so that doesn't fly now... interesting....anyhow, i can always count on you to share your true feelings. this time i can relate. thanks for sharing w/o fear of the response of others. i'll keep doin' me and eventually we'll have a TRUE circle of dependable relationships to turn to in all times, good and bad. =0)

[Amy (Dandelion Seeds)]

AMEN sista!... REAL... huh... what I strive to be in a world that's hidden by fears... fears of being found out... uncovered... and revealed. Take what you've learned and continue on... be real to those of us who are striving to be real no matter what the circumstances... to be honest when it hurts US... and to live like the one who was REAL all the time... our Savior.

Bless you... you're in my prayers through this time,
Amy

[Rich Kirkpatrick]

You ask some very important questions. I think friendships can be real even though they might fade with distance and time. Not that they all are, however. Some are fake. Some friendships will be there regardless. Not knowing maybe is hard enough. I would assume that people do love you. Its not a fantasy even though some of it may be a stretch. Thanks for being so open and letting me think through this for myself, too.

[Tia Nancy]

Heather,
I think this will help you. It did me. I have been blessed with an awesome family but God has sent me lots of friends in this life time. I appreciate all and keep them in my heart. My book keeps growing and i keep adding chapters. Please read.

People come into your life for a reason, a season
or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you
will know what to do for that person. When someone
is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet
a need you have expressed. They have come to assist
you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally or spiritually They may seem like a
godsend and they are. They are there for the reason
you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on
your part or at an inconvenient time, this person
will say or do something to bring the relationship
to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk
away Some times they act up and force you to take a
stand. What we must realize is that our need has
been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it
is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you
laugh. They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a
season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid
emotional foundation Your job is to accept the
lesson, love the person and put what you have
learned to use in all other relationships and areas
of your life. It is said that love is blind but
friendship is clairvoyant .
Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I Love you Heather, you are special to many.:)
Tia Nancy

[kim]

those posts made me cry. you know i love you. i spoke with carlos today, told him when you're home in dec i'll stalk you guys. hope that's ok. kiss your kids for me... i'll be kissin you soon lady!

[larissa]

hey girlie--

you sound lonely. i'm sure doing what your doing is really hard.

the truth is, physical separation does make it harder to keep in touch, but that doesn't make what you guys had any less real, or their friendship any less authentic.

sometimes friends are friends by circumstance, yes. other times, friends are friends for life.

when I was 13 my crew (the fab 5) lost one of our girls. she moved to texas. we would write and call as often as we could. but then, it phased out. however, as the fab 5 moved on to high school and college, we even lost touch with each other. but we never forgot each other. Now, 15 years later, we have reconnected and have Fab 5 Reunions at least once a year! And for a while there we were in 4 different states. But, regularly, there's only one fab girl I talk to daily.

Just because you don't talk or see your peeps all the time doesn't mean they don't love you, think about you, or don't care. don't lose heart. I think the test of a true friendship isn't how often you talk or reach out to each other, it's if when you see each other again, is it like it was before? where you can pick up right where you left off as if no time has passed.

I know, as a quality timer, it feels like if no one is spending time with me, they don't love me, but really, that's not always true. Cheer up little pumpkin pie! You are loved!

PS I got your guys' Christmas post card yesterday! yay! you guys are so cute, and thanks for the kind words.

PPS The blogs are also a great way to maintain a certain level of that friendship. ;)

[Molly Moore]

I already commented, but I think some people didn't like what I said. Another thought:
I have some girls whom I consider to be very best friends, but I may go a month or so without talking to them. Geography keeps us from seeing each other on a regular basis, and our busy schedules keep us from talking on a regular basis. While we both feel bad at times for not being good at keeping in touch, neither ever feels like there is anything about the friendship that isn't "real". Some of those are my most real friendships I have.

[Kim O']

Wow, Heather this is a GREAT blog....I have been asking myself and dealing with this same question for the past 6 months....still haven't figured it out so if you do.........let me know.

[Alisha J]

Heather - I've thought a lot about the questions that you are asking. DJ and I just moved this fall to a new ministry position in another state. Every time Carlos posts on missing home or realities of a move, I can totally relate. I miss friends, I miss being known, I miss talking to people I love everyday. I hate feeling isolated and like EVERYTHING in my life is new. I like new things, but you only have the capacity for so much at a time.

On the Friends questions - I have a wonderful friend who has a select group of friends she calls "Front-Row Friends." People who she feels no matter what will always be in the front row observing her life and cheering her on. Distance, life stage, job changes - these don't effect the "Front-Row Friends". I think what is really hard about a move is that it show the difference between acquaintance friends and "Front-Row Friends". I actually grew closer to this girl when she went to China for two years to serve in missions. I don't think it has to do with location or proximity but more with commitment. Unfortunately as we both know in a move, a lot of people are only in our life for a season and we loose touch with them.
I struggle between frustration and sadness. But I guess I've landed on "Reality is my friend." I have friends I only see once a year and talk to just about that much. I'm trying to be ok with enjoying that friendship for where it's at, but disappointment always follows. Makes me wonder who I've disappointed like this?

Ok, that's enough - I think I'm rambling now and not commenting. Looking forward to seeing you at the Winter Conference in Dec - I hope you'll be there again.

[Lesley]

I, like others who have posted, read your blog daily but have never posted until today. You are not alone in the realizaton of what happens to some friendships once you move away. I moved to San Francisco by myself almost five years ago, and not one single friend from Fresno has come to see me. I spent the first year making phone calls without replies, sent emails and invites and directions to my house without so much as one attempt to come see me, and rare attempts to stay in contact with me at all. I am not a high maintenance friend, but I am not a no maintenance friend. I do not mean to lament, but rather to agree with the statement "out of sight, out of mind". So, in the years I have been here and made a couple of close friends, I know how it feels to be on the moving end and try very hard to stay in contact with those who have moved away. This loss of friendship was a very trying thing for me personally, but I learned alot form it and I pray that your open and honest post about this opens the floodgates of love to you. Best wishes to you and your family.

[hollyjones]

forget the phone calls...get your ass to fresno for a visit. i need you to do some old school 'mama' heather finger shaking at my husband. and i'm not joking.
and i'm with you sister. friendships are a strange animal.

[Gretchen Noelle]

Interesting questions you bring up. And oh! how I have thought thru these. A couple things I have learned during this time...people change - - I have changed in my time overseas and others have changed back "home" and that is hard because the connection changes...unfortunately lives just take over - - people allow circumstances and business to consume them. Most probably think about you and miss you tons, but don't actually express it...and yes, you at times see who your real friends are; which is hard, but true. On the other hand, I have learned a lot about grace during this time as well. There are days I feel frustrated about those very people and I must learn to forgive them even when they don't realize they are offending me.

There have been a few seasons in my life that felt unbearable. I wanted others to share the burden with me. They did for a moment, but then gave it right back to me. Forgot? Didn't care? Too busy? Who knows. Fortunately God knows. I cannot judge the intentions of their heart and do not know why. It hurt to be alone. It is tough to be in the "valley" so to speak, walking through the shadows. One thing I have learned about that is that we all crave the mountaintop high but we will never know Him like we know Him in the valley.

Here in Peru, they always say there are friends and then there are people con quien puedes compartir tus cosas...people with whom you share you "stuff"...it is true that we can be "friends" with many, but the friendship that runs deep is hard to come by. You can hang out with people, you can share and listen...but when you need a tangible friend, who do you go to?

May God bless you with deep friendships. People you can really share your stuff with.

[Sarah]

Your blog simply made me think. Why is it that when we leave a church community that sometimes people treat you like you are dead? And people disguise it as "healthy for everyone" to move on. It doesn't seem right. It made me think, that's not how Paul did it or any of the early church. They maintained a relationship and encouraged one another. I wish our culture could be like that, because deep within me I still care for those that I have walked with.

[Melissa]

WOW...talk about needing to read this post RIGHT now! Without going into a ton of specifics I will tell you this, I am a Pastor and my husband is a Pastor and we were both very visible in ministry at a mega church in Florida. We have not moved, not relocated, and not changed anything except for the fact that we are no longer at that church (nothing scandalous). You would be surprised at how fast our "friends" have fallen by the wayside. We are talking about hundreds of people that we thought we would be "doing life" with and growing old with for a very long time. I know that I can not control what they "choose" to do or NOT do, but I feel like I am the one who is trying to "hold on" to some of them, when maybe in reality I just need to let go.

I have battled with this in my mind and it has wreaked havoc on me (I know it is the evil one) personally. But what else would I do...I am still here, I still live right down the street, I still want to be friends, but they aren't there.

It makes me mad and so very disappointed, but I know that this is just a big part of the learning curve in life on this side of eternity.

I hate it for you because unfortunately I know exactly what you are talking about.

I will be praying for both of us to have "peace" with all of it!

[Nancy]

Glad you had the guts to ask the question. Been asking myself the same thing. We've been away from SoCal since the end of August and I've only heard from 3 friends, I think - by phone. What's up with that? I'm thinking our friendships will be nonexistent when I move overseas!

[Amy]

Well this I can speak on experience from. I moved to florida and I rarely get calls from any of my friends. It was really hard and hurtful at first but what do you say? How can you tell someone that you love that you would like to be loved back it's an akward position to be in. If you tell someone you're hurt by not being called then you feel like they will call you out of obligation. Sherry once told me you're lucky if you have one true friend in a life time and through out my experience through living 3,000 miles away I found that to be more true than I had ever imagined. My best advice those few that still call even months, years down the road the few that fly out to come visit cherrish them they're rare. Here are some quotes enjoy = )
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

[Karen Erickson]

Lee and I missed your going away party because of two other obligations that day and I still feel sad about that. I don't
have your phone number. I just got Carlos' last week. 2 of my best friends kids, her daughter in law and grandson moved to Atlanta about 2 months after you. I'm hoping you guys can make a connection. Good babysitting contact too! You kids are great and I do miss you ALL alot beleive it or not! Good authentic relationships are HARD and honestly between family, church and work I can only keep up with a couple of them. LOVE

[mandy]

I have been reading your blog for several months now(traffic from ragamuffin). I totally understand the way you are feeling. I moved from OR to IN 2 years ago and have only 1 friend who keeps in contact by her own efforts. It seems that the 25 year friendship changes dramatically, thanks to a BIG move. I'm having a hard time making new friends. All of the folks we are meeting don't have children yet and we have 3 girls. Their idea of a fun Friday night is NOT dinner in, a game of cards, and a Disney movie. But, it is mine!