A newleywed fight 8 years ago...

 
One thing that I feel God is guiding me to do is to be transparent in my life. To share things that happen, the good, the amazing and then the terrible and hard. I feel like God has built me to do this and am able to handle it when people judge me for it. Anyways I feel like I am rambling. I wanted to share this email I got the other day from a old friend. (I got her approval, don't worry I am not about to just through up a email that someone sends me without their ok.) Please read it. It has encouraged me, and I hope it encourages you to know that God can use all things for his Glory!

"I don't think you know that it was because of you guys that I got to where I'm at today.  I remember when I was at small group, we had just started going and I was still used to being surface about everything.  Growing up in a church where things were "hush hush" and everything was "great" and "fine".  Me and XXXX were just starting the beginnings of our problems and I went to small group alone that night fully prepared to come up with a story of how XXXX was at home - he was just tired, blah blah blah.  Well, Carlos blew me away when he came alone as well and when people asked where you were he said you two had a fight and you weren't coming because you were mad at him... I was shocked - someone in church - a leader in fact, being open and blunt about problems and everyone didn't look at him bad  - it was okay.  I decided that night - for the first time EVER I told the people there in discussion time about our problems and it felt weird but so releasing... It was a breaking point. 

God used you guys - your fight :)  - to literally change my life.

I mean, this was my first step in getting real.  In opening up.  In letting people in.  I'm still not totally great at letting people in but I'm getting there.   I envision you two - your marriage, your lives.  When I feel myself crawling into that space again - trying to cover things up - I remind myself of that small group night.  It meant more to me than you'll ever know."

Now that is what I want my life to be about. I have no idea what our fight was about. It was our night to cook for small group, and I remember being so pissed that I could not even go and pretend to be ok. Not to mention that I did not want to be in the same car as Carlos so I sent him off to take the meal alone. If you know anything about my man I am sure you can hear some kind of witty remark about how we are fighting. Obviously his remark was impact full, since it has changed lives.

I guess I say this to encourage you to be real. To be YOU! Do you know what that person looks like? Are you captive by what others think you are? Despite the opinions of those around you and in your life are you free to be you? Because you are not living life until you can be free. WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK?

Comments

[Christie]

Been reading your blog for a while, but this is my first time to comment.

Can I just say, "I'm tryin!". I want to be authentic and transparent in my life but when I act on it I'm somehow apologetic about it! ugh. We are in a new church - a small church plant just outside of Dallas - that is only about 15 families strong. It is very hard to be completely open in a small group - because there is no where to hide. Once you've said/done something - that's it...it's out there.

This morning at a poolside bible study I was talking with 2 friends from church. I was telling them that sometimes it's hard being the only family 'of color' in our group (hubby is black, I'm white - kids are "brown" as they'd tell ya). Everyone is white with stereo-typical views of blacks. I know God has us here for a reason but sometimes it's hard. Then I came home and sent one of the friends an email apologizing for opening up. *sigh*

I'm tryin!

[anonymous]

i just got back from lunch...spent the entire time thinking about this exact thing. i spend so much time worrying about what others think of me, that it nearly suffocates me some days. who is the real me?

thank you for sharing this.

(a male reader)

[Kelli]

Im so glad you posted this. I sometimes feel funny about being so transparent because I know not everyone is comfortable with it. but you know what? There were times I know that if someone had just told me their story, their truth, I wouldn't have felt so alone in the process of life and development.

Thanks for sharing this!

[Tracie]

This is probably one of the top 5 things the Lord is working with me on. I am totally a surface person. I want so desperately to be REAL and transparent. It is a process but I want the freedom that it's going to give me. woo hoo.

[Anna]

Thank you for this post, i've been reading yours and Carlos' blogs for a while now, since your Uganda trip. Although I'm not religious at all, I still feel it is my purpose to be frank and honest in my life. I am an Australian living in London and am endlessly amazed a how private both cultures can be (both in very different ways)

You, your relationship and your family are a breath of fresh air.

[emily]

I love a girl that feels called to live a life of transparency- so refreshing. You do a great job on this blog! I think that believers that don't live (at least try to live) authentic lives do a great disservice to others. We all suffer from the comparison disease already, last thing everyone needs is "things are great, never better" all the time when inside they are dying!

A call to transparent living, count me in! :)

[Nikki]

Praise God for Transparency!! Jason, my husband, holds nothing back and people love it because they can relate. People relate to realness - not the lies we try to cover up with. Praise God for the leaders in the church who are real!!

[The Secret Life of Kat]

Good words...

One of my favorite song lyrics is from a Jennifer Knapp song:

"In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves..."

To me, that speaks not just of laying our lives down, but also our pride, our reputation, our safety and our image.

Thanks for the reminder, Heather.

[Amy]

Where do you draw the line between picking and chosing your battles and being yourself?

[R. Kristina]

Your post made me think of this piece, taken from devotion in my Recovery Bible (C 1993, Editor: Verne Becker), by A. Philip Parham:

“Mark Twain once said, "Tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends." More than that, it can save your soul... What we fear is not the truth but rejection. We fear the emptiness of abandonment. We are terrified that if we are discovered we will be deserted.”

That said, I have this to say:

1) You are astounding.

2) Your courage is a reflection of your authentic soul.

3) Your model is reminder relationship with God is where true comfort lies, and with that we are never alone.

I think you could be a therapist should you ever so desire.

Peace out sista’,
~ Roxx

[Jacinda]

Okay dear friend. You constantly talk about being real. I have felt like I have embraced that concept myself, but for some reason as I read your post, a chord was struck. I find myself keeping some things under wraps really just from other Christians who I think might not be able to handle it. Not that I have a deep dark secret, but just from little things that may not be "acceptable" in Christian culture. Thanks for always stretching me. Love you!

[Cindy]

what's holding me back is being afraid that people won't like the real me. I am insecure, and feel like not many people like me anyway.
We never get invited anywhere, and yet we are very nice, loving people.
Why is it so hard to have a group of friends? I have prayed so hard for the right friends to come along, just to do stuff with, and it never happens. Or it happens once in a great while, but never lasts.

[Summer Kelly]

This is what I love MOST about your blog... your transparency.
I, too, am trying.
Great post!

[Zack]

Great word. My wife and I have been going through a very similar learning experience. She was always taught to keep things surfacey, even as a staff member of the church she served at before we knew each other.

Every step she takes towards that transparency makes her come more alive.

It's a pleasure to watch!

[Tracey]

Thanks for this. I've been struggling with editing myself while blogging. I tend to be satified with my posts when I write them, but when I look back, they don't feel all that real. Even though it's little more than my family watching, I think they deserve to know what's really going on... they care about me! So thanks!

[Tabitha]

That's funny because I don't know how many times we showed up at home group and everyone knew we were fighting. It may have been my snarky attitude towards my husband or the fact that I told them I was mad at him but they knew and I didn't care. That's what it's all about right? Being real.

[Tabitha]

That's funny because I don't know how many times we showed up at home group and everyone knew we were fighting. It may have been my snarky attitude towards my husband or the fact that I told them I was mad at him but they knew and I didn't care. That's what it's all about right? Being real.

[Danae]

AWESOME witness in being REAL!!!!

[Norma ...Mom to 3 China girls]

i have suffered for many years for blurting stuff out and getting "the look" from people. who knew I was being transparent!!! most folks call it opinionated and negative or worse. i often think people don't like me and that i am not a nice person. i have been told it for many years from my husband. as i get older i just bury it all.I never give up on God and pray He will speak to me of what is right and i thank him for all i have and have been given. every now and then I meet someone who" gets me."....i am grateful for that too.

[Soliloquy]

Authenticity is not for the faint of heart.....

I've lost friends over it.

I use the term "friends" loosely.

So many people want to live in a fantasy world and not deal with the issue of SIN in their lives.

Why???

[Susie]

Heather, I think you and Carlos are so fortunate to be in a church that lets you be real. I spent many years trying to live up to an unrealistic role as a worship pastor's wife. I'm still very guarded, but the church we are in now is called Real Life Fellowship and I finally feel freedom to be me. For some reason my husband has always been able to be himself,(edgy, crazy, artistic) but I somehow get stuck in a Susie homemaker role(my name really is Susie). Anyway, it is nice to see such authenticity. I think it brings people to Christ like nothing else.

[Jill @ LiveLaugh Blog]

That's awesome! I love how God uses our trivial fights to bring glory to Him!
No telling how many people my husband and I have brought closer to God because of our fights:)

[Jess]

Just one more reason we like you guys!!!!