Pissed

I am,  for the first time declaring that I am pissed at God.

I find myself able to fall into his strength and love when my world is falling in, but today I have been confronted with something fairly simple and yet I am mad!

I feel like I have sacrificed so much for him (relatively speaking). I have been patient, attempted to be open and willing and given up so much. What fuels my anger is the fact that as I've continued to struggle, I have seen multiple ways out and into the light, but then last minute things turn black again. It is so frustrating.

Sorry for being real and so vague all at the same time! I only share because that is what I do here.  I share because I know there are others out there who are pissed too.

So I sign off as a pissed off woman of God who is confused, but willing to keep on trucking if it means I will bring him Praise! H

Comments

[Lauren Biggs]

Hey Heather. Thanks for your honesty here.

[Jessica]

Heather,
Thanks for the post tonight. I discovered your blog a few weeks ago...and have enjoyed reading it. I have been in the same boat as you. I feel like I am so close to coming out of my struggles and then I just get pushed back down to the ground again. I keep saying to GOD--"don't you WANT to use me??" Somedays I feel like the only one who struggles with life etc....Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I appreciate it!
Take Care.
Jessica

[Tabitha]

Your honesty and keeping it real is why I read your blog.

[Jessica]

Heather, After I wrote you the comment above...I read this blog

http://97secondswithgod.blogspot.com/2008/08/exodus-2-small-rescue.html

[Jennifer]

Thank you so much for being so real with us. I really appreciate it, as many times I feel like I am the only one that struggles with being frustrated and angry at God, but then I read your blog and am totally encouraged by the fact that I am not alone! I love the community that you have created here. Thank you so much!

[jen]

Well, it seems like we're not the only ones dealing with, shall we call it "frustration"? Very discouraged about some things. It just makes you want to ask God if He is seeing all this or is He busy?

[Summer Kelly]

Wow.
I know SO many people who are facing these feelings this week... feelings of let-down, disappointment, and just outright ANGER about various things. It's completely understandable and we all go through it.

I just want to encourage you, though: even though it *seems* that God is not hearing you or not paying attention, He is.
You may never know why things didn't go your way... or further down the road, you may look back and see God's hand directing you the whole way.
That has happened to me so many times in my life. Things happened that just seemed so STUPID. Painful things.
In retrospect, they seem extraordinary.
And necessary.

I know God sees the "bigger picture" -- my past, my present, and my future. That's what I try to remember when I'm feeling just as you are right now.
{{{Hugs}}}

[Stacy]

Praying for you through your struggle. Thanks for keeping it real!

[Rhi]

and as your sister in Christ, know that we are here for you to vent to and to call on for prayer if you need or desire. we've all been there more than once. i'll say a special prayer for you tonight girlie.

[it doesn't matter]

Why do you think that being "pissed" at God makes you real and authentic? And, what's so great about being real and authentic anyway. Tired of going to you and Carlos' blog to hear about being "pissed" at God and how cool and real and authentic that is.

[natalie]

I will keep you in my prayers tonight as well. I've been feeling the same way lately too. Not really pissed as much as I am frustrated. It's weird though because EVERY TIME I feel like screaming (I usually cry), I remember that teaching that Andy gave about Paul asking God to remove that thorn in his side 3 times and God never removed it and seemingly never even answered Paul's request. And Paul was an amazing man of faith. So I just keep telling myself God works in mysterious ways.

Signed,
Still waiting on His miracle...

p.s. wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world...even a blogosphere world were we didn't feel ashamed to write what was REALLY bothering us...I think about this a lot.

[Joanne]

I think we've all been there at one time or another. I know I have.
Lately, when I've been frustrated or down I try to remember what others are going through and remember how fortunate I really am-- my friend's 5 year old entered the hospital today to undergo a severe round of chemo and stem cell transplant to try to cure (or at least prolong his life) an aggressive form of brain cancer. And I remember Steven Curtis Chapman's family.

There are many that are struggling, and some with bigger loads than others, but what to remember is that we can share our burdens with God, He knows what is best for us (despite us thinking we know!), He has given us everything we need through His Son Jesus, and even when we are frustrated, angry, sad, etc, He can take it. Vent, pray, yell, cry, whatever! He knows your heart, He knows what you're going through, and He will give you the answers.

[Amy Storms]

Who knew Atlanta was right smack in the middle of the "desert"? :) I've been there--still am, actually--and I completely know what you mean. Nothing to be done but just hang on and continue to wrestle. Like Jacob..."I won't let you go unless you bless me!"

Two of my favorite songs at times like this: Rich Mullins' "Hard to Get" demo and Chris Rice's "Smell the Color 9". Great lyrics.

Hang in there--I'll pray for you.

[Fred Shirley]

i hear ya and feel ya...its all good!

[Tammy G]

Regarding "Does it really matter's" comment.
I think that being pissed at God is the very thing that makes you and Carlos real. It's the very reason I read your blog. I think too often I think that to have a relationship with God means I can't 1) Talk about sex 2) be frustrated with my kids must be Holy 24/7 and that is just too high a standard for me and you prove that having the Lord in your life does not instantly make it Unicorns and Rainbows everyday.

I enjoy your honestly. I enjoy you sharing with us every time.

[Hmmm]

Being real is good. Being crass about relating to a Holy God is not. The phrase "Being pissed at God" is a base, crass statement that is too colloquial to describe your relationship to your creator. It is, frankly, a reminder to me that being "real" is not always a good thing. Just because we feel it, think it, emote it, doesn't make it valid to express. Sometimes you need to check that authenticity and go into a mode of private prayer, repentence or fasting to find out what He is trying to teach you.

[Chelsea]

One thing I love about Job -- he gritched and moaned and cursed the day he was born, but he never actually cursed God. Anger is not a sin, but God said, "In your anger do not sin." That's the line you have to find. Praying for you...

[brandi]

"faithful" by brooke fraser. give it a listen. i dont know if its pertinent to whatever it is you're going through, but from what it sounds like it might be an encouragement. it definitely has been to me as of lately.

in the meantime, keep being honest with God & know HE is big enough to handle all of our emotions because HE created them. :) your blog is a blessing, thank you for sharing.

[Kelly S]

I love that you aren't trying to be "perfect" and put on the happy face... I liked what Steven Curtis Chapman answered when asked (by abc on the interview last week) if these challenges had made him question his faith - and he said it had, and that's good... it reminds him of what he truly believes in. And I have to agree with him - when I reach the end of my strength, power, energy, patience, finances and it feels like I'm swimming in a sea of "yuck"... I remember who is the one who can do it all, sees it all and will help me through it all (even if its not the "road" that I think it should be - He's still faithful).
Thanks for sharing your heart - you made me feel better tonight that I'm not the only one frustrated right now because things aren't going the way I think they should... thanks for the smile (I'm sorry your pissed though and I pray you continue to see the hope we have in Him and I believe with you that things will improve...)

[jessica]

Isn't our God great that we can say,"God, I am so mad at you, frustrated, etc.," and even curse him at times, but it doesn't turn Him off.... It only brings Him closer to us b/c just like we love our kids through their frustration with us as parents, He is the Father loving us through it all. And ultimately, His will is always best for us, even though we may not like it at times. I hope you can work through whatever you are going through. Also, I think it is good to be real....especially in the South, where people have the notion that it is better to be dishonest and deceptive by hiding what they are really feeling instead of opening up and being honest and letting God use what they are going through to help others.

[alicia]

I have been struggling with being frustrated at my current situation as well...not understanding why God is taking so long to do what I think needs to be done. :0) Hang in there!!

[Michelle (my see through life)]

Hang in there my friend...worship HIm and he'll get you through whatever it is that you are going through. Praying for you, sister in Christ.

[Red Wine Gums]

Feel the same a lot of the time recently. Praying for ya

[Kristin]

Your last sentence tells it all. you can be pissed and still know that you need to praise with each step.
I am proud of you =) You are in my prayers, friend. The best thing about being this real with yourelf and God is that it usually is leading you to the face down that will get you some resolution.

[Trevor DeVage]

It is interesting to me that in your moment of reality there are still people who will come here and leave comments telling you how that is to real. I am always thrown back a little by that, because God is not asking us for some "authentic" faith where we keep it from others. We were meant to do life together. We were meant to share our frustrations, joys, sorrows, angers, troubles, sins...etc. I believe that this is one of the most Godly posts that I have read anywhere in awhile. I read this and Carlos' blog daily and love that Godly people deal with God this way too. I am a pastor and want to be as transparent as possible with God and others. For those that are pissed about the phrase pissed off...know that God can handle the phraseology. He is not shocked or taken back by it. I imagine that he is pleased with his servant for simply being honest.
My wife and I are praying for you. Tell Carlos that Trevor from Dallas says hello. Let me know if we can do anything else for you both.

[Charlotte and Larry]

Yes- I am in that same state today and have been for a little while. I keep talking to Him though and He keeps speaking, it just isn't what I want to hear. My I continue to be quiet and Trust to see Him glorified.
Love the honesty!

[Jessica]

yet again, the "bold" comments are anonymous...at least you're brave enough to be transparent. and i can't wait to hear what you learn in this season/situation!

[Michelle]

It's your honesty that keeps me coming back to read your blog.
Today- I am not pissed at God, tomorrow? this could change; but I have been at various times in the past- often sounding similar to what you expressed here. Since you encourage others so much I encourage you today- to stay the path, keep God's Word close to your heart and quick on your lips- I don't think God has any issue with us being ticked at Him- it's how we respond to it that touches Him. Colossians 1:29 "To this end I labor struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me."
It's a struggle it's just whose energy we are tapping into that will keep us going. God bless and keeep on - refining hurts.

[Cari]

I think it is normal to be pissed sometimes. We are only human. I get pretty pissed too.

[adam]

its hard to understand things sometimes.

i think its normal to get mad at God too.

look at Jonah.

just don't go out on the open ocean anytime soon i guess.

[rene']

Thanks for being so honest! I think it is important for other christian women to realize that we all struggle and get pissed at God!!! It is so hard to understand why things happen sometimes! You will see that it will all work out! It all happens for a reason, even though we may never understand it on this side!!!

[Linny Best]

I totally feel you sister. I am/have been there for a while too. Yet, I still love, worship and want to praise Him. It's unnatural really, but I know that if I just trek through, He will give me the strength I need. James 1 helps me alot - choose joy! Also (don't know where exactly it is) the verse that says that God will never allow us to face something that we can't handle. So for me, I know that I can make it through whatever knowing that God is growning my charactor and strengthening me while I face it.

Hang in there. It won't last forever.

[Simone Widney]

I have a relationship with God, not a religion. In my relationships with people, I get pissed at them and they get pissed at me. Why then, "It Doesn't Matter" and "Hmmm" can't we be pissed at God?

Do you think God doesn't hear me when I curse? Or know my thoughts when I want to curse? If I can't be real with God, I'm not real with anyone.

We just moved from the buckle of the Bible belt. People there are not real. They put on these fake personas of living wonderful, blessed lives. But you know what I found out?? They are in debt up to their eyeballs and existing on anti-depressants.

Give me a girl who says she is pissed at God and dealing with her anger and frustration and pain. That girl is going to touch more lives when people see her come through the storm than if she hid it all away and did what the religious right would want her to do.

No one talked about infertility in our circles. When we went through it, we dradded everyone along with us. One night, my husband was so mad and frustrated at being infertile, he went to Wal-Mart at 1 am and bought a bunch of baby stuff. We put that on our dresser and believed we would have children.

There was a lot of anger and frustration at God during those times. I remember yelling at God and telling Him that He was the one who put the desire to have a child into my heart so He could fulfill it. And if He wasn't going to fulfill the desire, then He had better take it away.

Do you know, every time we told that story in adoption workshops, couples bawled? Through us being transparent, they realized they were not alone. That they are not the only ones going through this. That God IS true to His Word.

I'm not saying I was right to yell at God. I was hurt and I wanted my Father to fix it and make the pain go away. And He did. I'm praying for you, Heather.

[Anon]

Heather,

My wife could have written that post.

Her particular struggle is pornography, so it's really hard for her to talk about it, and it devastates here when she struggles, and makes her ashamed and frustrated and angry all at the same time.

And sometimes just the scars from the past get pricked and has the same effect...

So I appreciate your honesty and willingness to crack that door of your life... I know it encourages her to get her junk into the open so God can deal with it...

[Rachel]

Been there......alot! I figure I might as well admit it to God because it's not like He doesn't know that I'm pissed off at Him sometimes.

Ever had a screaming match at God? I have. Tears, screaming, throwing pillows at the wall, telling Him how mad I was at Him, the whole nine yards. The wierd thing is, I got the sense that He wasn't mad at me, instead He really cared how I felt. But sometimes, I just don't understand Him, and ya know what? I think He's ok with that.

[Crystal Renaud]

i hear you. in fact, i could copy and paste this very post into my own blog and it would ring 100% true. thank you for being real and for saying that i can't seem to. praying for you.

[Hale-Yeah!]

sorry

[hollybird]

I hear ya girl... been there. still am to some extent, if i am painfully honest. we are trying to adopt and just learned from our agency that we will NOT be getting our little girl. heartbroken, angry, devastated, you name it, I feel it. I love your honesty. thanks for sharing.
holly
hollybirdswords.blogspot.com

[jen]

awwww Heather, being pissed off means you are dealing/working out life and its super good to hear you process. hang in
Jen

[Jean]

Heather, this post is a 21st century version of many of David's Psalms. You're in good company. David was REAL, and God said he was a man after His own heart.

[debra parker]

Do you ever have the desire to meet a fellow blogger in real life? I must be so weird. I just feel like we have a lot of the same thoughts & style...

I had to throw that in.

[debra parker]

Do you ever have the desire to meet a fellow blogger in real life? I must be so weird. I just feel like we have a lot of the same thoughts & style...

I had to throw that in.

[Tasha Via]

I am right there with you...

[Liz (Looney Mom)]

Hey there. I'm a feed-reader delurking just to say, I'm pissed too!

May God bless you and get you through what you're going through. It's not like he doesn't know when we're pissed at him, right? But I respect those who can be honest with themselves and others when they are.

Thanks for keeping real & for not pretending to be a pious, holier-than-thou, perfect Christian - or in another words, a hypocrite.

[gretchen]

who puts a negative comment and then won't put their name....shady. at least claim it.

[nicole]

i am finding myself in a similar place...
things are...almost perfect...
but there is this one place in me that is frustrated....mad!!
i want answers
i want change
i want something new
i want to hold some of the vision that he has put before me.

i don't want to be here.....
i don't want the same thing
i don't want to work here!!!

i long to be in His will
but i feel like i can't get there because of the place he has me in waiting
(like i am stuck in an airport on a layover from hell)