Thanks For Your Opinion (Sarcasm)

Let me set the scene. Stephanie and I are at Chik-Fil-A, chatting and enjoying lunch while the kids are off in the play area. Our table was one table away from the door and I was sitting facing the door. Losiah being the boy that he is decided that it was more fun to play with the door into the play area rather than the playground itself.  So  that is what he did. Back and forth, back and forth.

Ok back to the scene. There was one mom who sat with her child inside the play area, and then one set of grandparents and their 18 month old child at the table closest to the door. Every time Losiah would open the door he would get really close to getting his arm caught. Here is where my parenting style was very different than the other two people around. First let me remind you I was constantly watching him... I saw when his arm got close, but every time he would almost get caught one of the other parents would jump up and save him. Here is where I am different. This door was not a car door, it was not slamming shut. It was slow and did not have much weight to it.  Obviously if my 2 year old could open it. So I sat and watched. I was going to allow him to learn that when he plays with doors he could get hurt. I would have been there in a second if he got caught, but he thought it was a game and I was going to let him play and learn. However the mom in the play ground and the grandparents kept coming to his rescue.
Here is the fun part. Finally the mom who was in the play ground got fed up and got up again and said to Losiah " Lets go find your mom." Mind you I am 5 feet away. I spoke up and said I am right here. I am watching him. She than said, "oh sorry he just keeps getting caught and I thought his mom might have been over there."  I said no I am watching him and thank you. Then Grandma pipes up and says "Oh, no you are not!"
You should be so proud of me. I said nothing. Oh the fire that both Stephanie and I had could of burnt down the place. But instead I just tucked it away and let it go.I understand that people parent different. I don't spank I have my beliefs, but I am not going to bad mouth you. If she had a problem she just needed to say " I am so sorry, he keeps going in and out and it really makes me nervous. Could you please help him" I would still have been annoyed, but at least she would have respected me enough to talk to me. Instead I just got the rude remarks!
I love my boy and if I thought he was going to get hurt I would have been there in a heart beat. However I think we protect our kids to much. Oh I could go on, but I am going to stop. What are your thoughts? Should we protect  our kids from everything?
Remember I am not dumb. If he was in harms way I would have been there! I want to know where do we draw the line? My kids have a rule in the house... "play hard get hurt hard"
H

Comments

[Anna]

I think you have a great system going, you are right, we are protecting our kids too much. However, you are mum to 3, were you as relaxed with number 1?

[Joelle]

I agree with you, we should let our children learn life lessons by living and enjoying life! My parents did this with me when all the other parents were setting strict rules and not letting their children experiment. None of us (my siblings and I) ended up in situations we couldn't get out of (but we may have gotten our arm pinced a few times along the way!)... not so for a lot of the other kids at my Christian school.

David and I have said many times we want to allow our children to be able to live their life, learn lessons on their own and with that comes some pain! I think you are doing a wonderful job, your children are precious and love and respect you and Carlos and each other -- thats evident from your previous post where Sohaila protected Losiah (so precious!).

[Karen]

I can see where you are coming from about protecting our children too much. However, being in a public place like that, I think it's important to respect the property. Doors aren't toys. If he had been hurt, CFA could have gotten into some trouble. (Not that you are the type of person to sue, I'm just saying ...) Too, his behavior was affecting other people. I've probably said too much, so I'll stop at that. :o)

[Karen]

I can see where you are coming from about protecting our children too much. However, being in a public place like that, I think it's important to respect the property. Doors aren't toys. If he had been hurt, CFA could have gotten into some trouble. (Not that you are the type of person to sue, I'm just saying ...) Too, his behavior was affecting other people.

[Ladybug Crossing]

You go girl!
The fact that you were watching and letting him learn is good. Sometimes they just need to figure it out on their own. I know mine did...

As for that nasty grandparent, she needs to learn to ignore what doesn't concern her.

[Mud Puppy]

You're a great mom!

I subscribe the the let them learn philosophy as well. You should have seen my son last night climbing all over the outside of his fort (6ft high) with his slipper cowboy boots on (grandma will pay for giving him those btw).

Blogs are wonderfully cathartic if nothing else!

[April]

I too agree with you. I am not one to catch them at every fall. When they get hurt I am loving but make sure they understand why they got hurt.

[Billie]

I'm the same way. Let 'em be kids. Now, I wasn't as much that way with #1, but now with #2, I'm that way with both.

[Renee Garcia]

OK so sometimes I really WANT to be like you. I want to be able to let my kids get hurt and figure it out... I want to let them walk on curbs, even when I know they're going to fall. BUT I am overprotective. I admit my instinct would have been to jump if I were another mom in that restaurant, too. I try not to be, sometimes, I think it's just been drilled into my head over the last 2 years with Kennedy and it's spread to the other kids. When we're at home I'm way more relaxed, but when we're out and about, I just want them to stay safe. I've gone from worrying about platelets being too low to worrying about necks! haha I think I need therapy!

All that being said, I would NEVER speak to another mother like the grandmother did to you. That is SO rude and uncalled for. I know that just because I'M jumpy doesn't mean everyone else is, which is a good thing! I wish I could have been a fly in their car to hear what they said on the way home! HA! Kudos to you for keeping your cool, I'm not too sure what I would have done... probably cried!

[Toby]

Wow, I was gettin fired up just reading. I would like to think I would have had the same patience in that situation, but I'm thinking Grandma and I might have had some words :-). More power to your parenting style! I'm right there with ya!

[whittakerwoman]

Karen, you did not say to much. I totally get what you are saying I think our point is the same. Doors are not toys. That is my point Losiah thought it was a game and everytime someone would rescue him he would do it again. If he had the opportunity to realize he was going to get stuck he would have stopped. And as for CFA the door was so light he could not have gotten harmed. Pinched maybe harmed no way. That is why I let him do it. :) H
Oh and Anna for some reason I have always been like this. I have always been this way even with baby number one. H

[Michelle]

You and I are similar in parenting style. Although for me, the sitting back and letting them learn part is always work. My first tendacy is to jump to their rescue. But I agree that most of the time, learning a lesson by experiencing it will produce a longer term outcome. If I were to just tell my boys not to do something, they may comply, but the lesson wouldn't be as strong. Good job momma! And I've learned that SOMEONE always has an opinion on parenting!

[Morgan]

I'm not a mom so I really have no room to talk...but I agree with you. Especially when it comes to boys. As long as it's not going to cause permenant damage I say let 'em go! We're turning our kids into a bunch of sissys cause we're too afraid to let them get a little hurt...ok, I'm done:)

[Amy]

I am sit back and watch and let them learn kid of gal!

[Kelly]

Our oldest recently BROKE HER WRIST at CFA, while playing in the playground. She climbing up a pole, not intended for play, and fell. You would not believe the amount of people who asked us if CFA was going to pay for it. Not hardly, she made a choice and suffered the consequences of having a cast for part of the summer!
I agree that we have to give our kids some room to learn, even when it is easier for us to step in.
Great job holding your cool!

[emily]

I would have been right there with you sister! I could join you in this rampage, etc and tell you what I think this generation of parents are raising, but I won't. I have to go pack as we leave tomorrow to get Abe! :)

You are a great mom!!

[Kevin]

Heather -- before I ask my question let me first say that we don't have kids (unless you count our miniature dachshund :) ). Anyway, I noticed that you mentioned that you don't spank. I'm just curious how you and Carlos came to that decision.

[mandy]

I do the same thing. And when they get hurt I say "good trick! you should join the circus." There's nothing more annoying than a kid who gets hurt & then looks at Mom before he cries...looking to see if she'll freak out or not.

Some people rule w/ an iron fist, some w/ a tender heart.

[Sue]

I tried to look at this as if I did not know you, and I think the issue is not only do we have different parenting styles in todays culture, (which I wholly agree with that they need to know the consequences of their actions)but that we don't communicate with each other. We assume....and we all know what that does to relationships. They assumed you were not paying attention to your child...they assumed the responsibility of caretaker by protecting him, their anger built up and they did not know how to handle it...and then I am wondering, if maybe you would have had the chance to explain, short and sweet, what you were observing as a mom to your child...because we no longer are on the same page of parenting as maybe we were in past generations, I think people have a hard time dealing with public situations. So you can be a teacher to those parents (and grandmas) that you are not raising 'sissy' kids...they are learning how to 'deal'...(which is something I find to be a most important lesson).
And I understand, I would be so incensed I may not have felt the need to 'explain' to these people..or trusted myself to say ANYTHING lest it be the wrong thing, (get my drift?) When people (kids too) would walk by my baby daughter, or even as a toddler, (she was born without her lower right arm) people would have all different reactions...sometimes I could address it, sometimes not. People would be uncomfortable, and say stupid things...I came to understand those things, How many times did I want to say...'no, really, I didn't take drugs when I was pregnant', 'no I did not beleive God would deform her because of sin in my life' But I started to pray for opportunities to educate people when a time arose... God has used those opportunites in many different ways, to others benefit as well as my own. Love u Heather, you have been given a big job and I know you are doing your best, remember there are others out there, assuming you are not doing your best...

[clowe]

If you're gonna play with fire, be ready to get burnt, right? Not that I'm going to let my kids jump out of a moving car or anything, but I am totally with you. If the situation is right, sometimes the best we can do is watch and be ready to console. Folks constantly tell me things like, "they could get hurt doing that." I always respond with, "well, then they'll only do it once!" I'm so impressed that you kept your mouth shut...

[Linny Best]

Good conversation...I am about to become a Mom and I agree with Heather. I think that I may be a little more protective with the first one, but I want to let them learn on their own. We tell them no for their own good, they choose not to listen, and there are consequences. It's the same between us and God. He lets us skrew up and we are better for it, lessons are learned.

Thanks for all the parenting advice guys, I don't know if you knew that's what you were typing, but I'll use it!

[Nikki Jo]

I'm with you. Beyond extreme hurt, all lessons are best learned by actually.... experiencing them.

If you shade your children from everything, they will end up scared, afraid to live life - those are the people who won't jump out of a plane, or kayak in the ocean or leave their country because it's full of "what-ifs" and "might happens". There's safe and scared and there's safe and adventurous.

I do what I can to make sure my kids will be the second. And that starts with me setting that example. Go ahead - try it, see what happens! You are the same and your kids will be better for it.

[Maigh]

I read this and was/am with you - as someone who doesn't have kids I see parents rescue and overprotect all the time and it makes me nutty. We played with rocks and ate dirt and beat on pots and pans and even ate bugs and played in rooms with lead paint and we're FINE. At least that's what I tell myself.

Also as someone who doesn't have kids, I'm regularly driven to distraction and frustration by rogue little peeps running wild in public places.

But your little dude was playing with a door. Probably excited that he could move it all by himself - and experimenting. You were in a busy place, with facilities esp for children (so my previous itch doesn't itch here) hence the lightweight door and I think you were just fine.

I'm not only impressed with how you're raising your LP's, but how you bit your tongue. That musta left a mark!

Well played. :)

[natalie]

Read this post, it will make you laugh. :D

http://chasingnatalie.wordpress.com/2008/08/16/born-between-1920-1979/

[jen]

I think there are maturity/age appropriate lessons and only you know whether he was able to process the cause and effect of what was going on, or if he was just curious about the door and not even thinking beyond that.

Also, there are times where it is more important to teach them about putting others first, as in if it was annoying other people around. Only you know what was right in that situation b/c you were there.

Whatever the circumstance, you should be respected as the parent. I am a firm believer in cautioning them and then letting them learn the hard way if they choose not to listen.

[Liana]

I totally agree with you. Ellie's new thing is climbing all over everything, and while it makes other people nervous, usually her father, I let her because I can't walk around guarding her from everything. Fire and sharp objects yes, falling and getting a little bump but maybe learning a lesson no.

[t]

I think a lot of parents that do take care of their kids are used to seeing a lot of kids NOT being watched so they are getting used to neglectful parents and are quick to assume. I know I am like you and usually let my kids learn themselves but I have also been in situations where I have saved a kid from drowning and gotten arms stuck out of places...because they really did have parents not watching. Then again, I never jump up to help until it is obvious they are hurt and the parent is absent.

Go you for being quiet when that grandpa jumped down your throat, I probably would have let him have a piece of my mind!

[Angela]

You go girl! I have two daughters and I struggle with protecting them too much in someways, but I am definitely not a hovering mom. I'm proud of you for keeping your cool. We don't parent the same (none of us do) and I respect that you parent your child your way. You parent out of love and it works for your family, and that's what matters.

[Amber]

I generally find the CFA playgrounds annoying and prime breading ground for unnecessary judgment of other parents. Seriously, isn't every child but yours in there loud, dangerous, irritating, dirty, etc. :)

[Jenn]

Hey Heather! I have a thought on this. I have only read a few of the comments so I am not sure if anyone else has said the same, but there is going to come a day when 'mom' is not going to be around. Our children are going to grow up and we are not going to be 'right' there watching their every move. I believe we are doing our children a huge disservice if we are constantly jumping in and preventing things that could be important life lessons. Some lessons will be greater than others. I believe by letting our children make some mistakes and learn some things the hard way, we are equiping them to deal with whatever situations life may bring their way as the grow-up. I mean, that's real life, right? We are going to get hurt. We are going to mess-up. When we can teach our children how to deal with those times at young ages, I believe they will be stronger for it. Not everyone parents the same way. No matter what we do, there is always going to be another parent who won't agree. But that's what makes life so fun & entertaining....all our differences!

By the way, I love your blog and read regularly. I am also Heather Voeltner's big sis. Just thought I would introduce myself. Have a great day....:)

[Nicki]

Heather, I love reading your blog because you and I are so different. Reading here has helped me see the view point from another mother/wife, which has helped me with how I go about things, especially with parenting.

I agree with the learning lessons thing. "Let 'em do it, because they'll only do it once!" is a common saying around here. I don't want to raise wimps. I guess where I differ in my parenting, comes to the public places part. Like you said, "My kids have a rule in the house... "play hard get hurt hard" I guess the keywords there for me are, "in the house".

I'm big on making sure that my kids are not doing anything that could cause harm to another child, or that they are not being overly annoying to others and ruining their time. The whole Phil. 2:4 thing, of not merely looking out for your own interests but for the interests of others. Which can be a hard line sometimes because there are some people out there who just get annoyed by everything. But those cases make for an even better example on how to live out that scripture. For the most part, I try to make sure that my children's actions are not hindering others good time. I'm not saying that this is the case with Losiah and the door, but just what is a big thing in my general parenting style.

For example, I have to admit that when I saw pictures of your hotel room, with the toys/blankets/clothes everywhere and kids jumping around, I made an audible gasp! LOL! It wasn't the mess or even the jumping around, in itself, but the fact that it was in a more public place that caused me pause. If we were at home, I'd tell my kids to go for it. But, being in a hotel, I personally would have been concerned that the jumping around and the noise that often comes with that kind of playing, would have been disturbing to others in surrounding rooms.

Heather, I hope you take this in the wayt that it is meant! I'm not being critical of you, but just sharing a different view point. Like I said, I enjoy reading your blog so that I understand a different point of view better. I've even changed some of my parenting choices as a result of some things that I've read here. (Like, my daughter may be getting her own makeup soon. :) )

I just hope you don't mind my sharing my view here. :)

[Ashley]

I am very similar. Even my husband is more protective than I am. I keep a watchful eye on my children, but I parent more hands-off (so to speak) than a lot of people.
I think one of the hardest things about parenting isn't deciding on what works for you, but rather not feeling judged by people who choose to do things differently. You know what I mean?
Funny thing is that I know exactly what you mean about the Chic-fil-a door with the low handle. My son does the same thing :)

[Tasha Via]

we are the same way. I warn about the dangers but let them decide their fate (with a watchful eye of course). We were on family vacation at the lake and we would tell Zeke everyday when we went down to the dock that he needed to be careful b/c he could fall in and get hurt and we left it at that. He had a life jacket on the whole time and we let him wonder the dock without my constant shadow right behind him. I could see the looks of "how could you" but he was in no danger. I was watching him from my lounge chair at all times and any of the 18 people would have jumped right in after him in a second if he were to have fallen into the water just a few inches down. He may have gotten a mouth full of water but he would have been fine. I think you are so right on with this one. Thanks for this post. A great reminder that God is in control and that we don't all have to parent the same way.

[rene]

First I will say that I can tell that this is not your first child. I was probably a little more protective of my first child than the other two. By the time # 3 comes along you realize that they don't break like china dolls. I remember when my oldest child was about 2 and kept wanting to touch the outside of the grill that his daddy was cooking on and I would grab him and tell him that it was hot. Like a 2 year old really comprehends what hot is and that he was going to say okay mommy, I will go do something else that won't hurt me. His dad kept telling me to leave him alone, he will only touch it once. This absolutely horrified me and I let his dad know exactly how I felt about his idea!

Well, one day while I was at the store buying the food we were going to grill that day, his dad started the grill so the charcoal would heat up. Well, of course my curious little Storm decided that he wanted to touch the grill again and there was no mom there to save him. His dad allowed him to touch his finger to the outside of the grill, just before I arrived! When I got there he had a band aid on his finger and looked up at me with his finger in the air saying hot. He would get near the grill or the stove, but never close enough to touch it again and if you said hot, he then knew what hot was. He had to experience the pain to know what hot meant so that he wouldn't do it again.

After that I backed off a little bit, of course you don't let your kid jump out of a window or stand in front of a moving car or something crazy, but little things that they need to learn sometimes you have to let them learn.

I think what you did was the right thing. Grabbing him everytime he almost got caught teaches him nothing and only wears you out. Does God grab us everytime we do something risky or does he allow us to get caught in the door to learn a lesson?

[shan]

i think we have similar parenting styles...i definitely think a lot of parents "jump in" too much. and yes, i do think we should protect them when it's obvious that they could get hurt, but if you stop everything before it happens...they'll never learn. i think it just helps them have more common sense when you let them learn for themselves (w/in reason, of course).

[Carole Turner]

OMG!! Yea, I totally agree with you! I would have freaked. I feel the same way, we WAY over protect our kids. Dang, I got hot just reading that!

[Wendy]

I LOVE IT!!!! I have had so many times where one of the kiddos will continue to do something until they get hurt. Then come running over crying and my response is "yes, that's what happens when we (insert behavior here). Lesson learned now stop crying and keep enjoying your day"
Can I just tell you the number of dirty looks I have gotten from other Moms around?? Just makes me shake my head and smile!

[Shannon]

I really like reading your blogs...I hope that I am as good at letting Jackson just play and learn from his mistakes. As for those other parents...There have been many times when I don't agree with some else's parenting, but I would never dream of stepping in or saying anything. Everyone parents differently...

[Laura J]

thanks for that refreshing blog. I am not yet a parent (I hope to be, soon), but I do think it's easier to just run over to them the second you think they could get hurt. I also believe that it's important for them to explore and learn for themselves without parents always trying to protect them every minute of their lives. I hope I will have enough courage and wisdom to practice that when God allows us to be parents.

[Chad]

Well less than 4 weeks away from parenthood I have spent thousands of dollars on stuff (mostly crap that will never get used). However, I just bypassed the whole "baby protection" aisle at Babies R Us. It only took me one time to learn that I shouldn't put my toys inside the electrical outlet.

[Amy]

I agree completely with what you did and would have probally done the same in the situation how ever I don't think I would've been able to sit there quietly while some one made rude comments to me I would've told them where they could put there oppinion but that's my flaws and what I need to work on good for you, for being the bigger person!

[JudiFree]

I think your style of parenting is great, but you may need to be more aware of others around you. Letting them get hurt and learn a lesson at home is fine, but there's a time and place for that.

In public, with snoopy people who would like nothing more than to call social services, I would always use extra caution and care.

[Marcus Hackler]

Wow - tons of comments! I agree and here is another parent who agrees that really got a lot of flack for these principles:

http://www.freerangekids.net/journal/

[Jenny from VA]

I am trying hard not to over-mother my kids because that is what my mom did to me. I read recently that CONSEQUENCES teach them the lessons they need to learn. The more we save them and protect them, the harder they fall when they are older. This really struck me and I want to let them struggle and grow in the younger years as much as possible.
Your blog really inspires me.
Jenny from VA

[pauline]

not sure if anybody has commented on this... i lived in atlanta for 10 years and still think it's one of the best places to live in the world. but then, i do think the south is infamous for being pretty racists. just wondering if they thought they were looking for a korean mom and thinking that asians are not so responsible to watch her kid? i am a chinese american.

i am single with no kids right now. hope to have some one day too (maybe adopt too). i also agree with your parenting style. kids need to learn from mistakes within safe perimeters (your watch).

[Rachel]

Thanks for the post. It encourages me to be the parent I am in public without worrying about what other people might think. I am naturally a more "let them do it and learn for them themselves" kind of parent. But I often succumb to the looks and comments of other people in public and become more protective. Thanks for encouraging us to be the best parents we can. Love your blog.

[Gretchen]

I wish I had let my now-almost-grown boys had more bumps and bruises along the way. Not he physical, go to the hospital kind, kind (they managed that despite my best efforts), but the harder stuff - doing homework, studying for tests, choosing the right friends, making smart choices. However two out of the three turned out really great and the jury is still out on the third. I am waiting for the day very soon, that the consequences of his actions are going to thump him on the head really hard.

All that being said, I understand your theory and it is good. However, you totally ruined lunch for those other people. I once saw a little boy standing in the end of a shopping cart. He fell out and cracked his head open and there was much blood, screaming, EMTs. It could have been avoided. Now I see a kid standing in a cart and instead of interfering, I turn and go the other way. Shuddering. It wasn't fair of you to allow Losiah to interfere with their nice time at the restaurant. Just my opinion.

[Lanna]

You don't know me but I have read your blog (and just adore your parenting style) and commented a few times. I totally agree w/ you. In this day and age children are pacified and smothered too much! I don't have children but I do have 2 nieces and a nephew and I would lay down my life for them in a heartbeat but in a case such as you described I absolutely agree that children should "play and learn". Children are amazingly resisliant, Losiah would've been just fine not to mention he would've gotten some major mommy face time when comforted. As a parent or a caregiver you can't always teach your child b/4 they get hurt, sometimes in life it takes a little pain to teach.

[debra parker]

It seems we all agree to NEVER ever turn into that grandma.

shall we all take a sigh of relief.

[Tracie]

Natural consequences are some times the best kind b/c you aren't having to be the "bad" guy. And of course, within limits you should let natural consequences run it's course. They typiclly learn better that way. And by the other parents/grandparents continuing to intervene he was getting some attention. Of course he would keep doing it b/c it was drawing other people in.
I love how people think they know your kids better than you do.